Ball? Nope. Balls-Up? Yup.

DISCLAIMER: THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS POST ARE MINE, AND MINE ALONE, AND DO NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE SVGCC, OR ANY OF IT’S EMPLOYEES OR STUDENTS.

On Monday, the college where I teach had graduation. It was a star-studded affair, despite the fact that several of the stars (read: important people socially and politically) cancelled at the last minute, or simply chose not to show up. I know this for a fact because I am the one who designs the programme. And I had to keep changing it. At any rate, the graduation came off with much fanfare and the Christian Fellowship kids sang their hearts out like they’d just won Digicel Rising Stars (which they could definitely win because they’re miles ahead of all the previous winners. I could listen to these guys all the time).

Everything went well until the… erm… grad ball. As I understand it, several students were:
• dancing on the ceiling,
• throwing up in the car park,
• giggling at the pretty patterns floating between their fingers,
• attempting fisticuffs with the shrubbery,
• being admitted to the hospital in a barely copasetic state, or
• all of the above.

Here’s what happened (allegedly). This is not the official story, since I believe the official story has yet to be even discovered. In other words, don’t take this as gospel; but it’s probably close to gospel. Like a psalm maybe. Possibly a revelation. Voila, below:

A group of young, fun-seeking whippersnappers, for reasons known only to themselves, arrived at the ball in a butternut squash. They couldn’t afford the rental on an entire pumpkin. The reason they couldn’t afford the rental on a top class pumpkin is two-fold. Firstly, they had spent all their money on cake mix (or, possibly, a rather special sort of baker). Secondly, they spent the remainder of their money on a combination of marijuana and cocaine, which, when combined, mirror and amplify the behaviour of the more diverting, psychotropic drugs.

In other words, our heroes caused a confection to be baked that outshone all other confections available at the ball. They arrived at the ball with their stimulating chocolate cake. They apparently passed the thing around. Several people sampled their wares. Several of the several people who sampled what is known on the street as the “joy cake” were aware that what they were sampling was, indeed, laced with a combination of psychotropic narcotics. Several others were totally unaware and were simply happy to have some cake to eat. If I were there, I would’ve sampled quite a large piece of cake since I am a greedy pig who cannot resist free cake. But this is not about me, nor is it about my food-related, lamentable lack of will power.

Several students were admitted to the ER at the Milton Cato Memorial Hospital. They were apparently suffering from narcotics poisoning (or similar). Those who weren’t admitted were only saved because they had systematically purged themselves at the event. Others simply had a good enough constitution (better than the SVG Proposed Constitution 2009 for sure – ok that was cheap, and not particularly clever, but I couldn’t resist) to deal with a massive amount of drugs coursing merrily through their blood streams. Perhaps they are old hands. Blood tests conducted by the highly efficient staff at the hospital revealed, almost instantaneously, the presence of BOTH cocaine and marijuana. It was the quickest blood testing in the history of this country’s medical establishment. Normally it takes weeks to get a result. Admittedly, I am usually testing for stds or diabetes (which are not as unrelated as you may think – both are caused by sweet ting) and not the presence of drugs. But still.

The bottom line is that someone, or someones, brought that cake to the ball. Other someones ate it – some knowing what it contained, others without any knowledge. It poisoned people. One report had a young man’s sight slowly going green before disappearing entirely. He was behind the wheel of his car at the time. It is a miracle that no one is dead. The whole debacle is reprehensible. But it gets worse!

“WHAT?!” you exclaim in barely concealed shock, “surely not, Will! Surely this is as low as it could possibly go! What could possibly be worse?!”

And here I shall take a slight tangential journey through the philosophical part of my mind. Bare with me. You always do. Correct my spelling if necessary.

The St. Vincent and the Grenadines Community College, Division of Arts, Sciences and General Studies, has a terrible reputation among the general populace of this country. The reason for this reputation is so complicated and messed up, that it may take a while for me to unravel its various threads. Its essence however, is this: We are an A’ level college, and people (ie, the general public) cannot decide whether the students who come here are young adults or simply old children.

When our students perform well they are lauded for their responsibility, commitment and dedication. The lecturers are rarely mentioned. When our students fuck up royally, the lecturers and administration are immediately blamed because we allow lawlessness and slackness to reign in our classrooms, and on our campus. So what do people want? Should we treat our students as adults? That is, should we allow them leeway to make ALL of their own decisions regarding stuff that is not in our control as lecturers? Should we treat our students as if they are children? Should we suspect their every motive? Should we disallow them responsibility and ownership of their own development as human beings?

By the time we get our students, they are (usually) age 16. It is a weird time. It is a weird age. They are like Britney Spears – no longer a girl, yet not quite a woman. Well. The girls are at any rate. I’m pretty sure the guys are no longer boys, yet not quite men. They are, in fact, boyz 2 men. I don’t think I ever taught Britney Spears though, because I would’ve told her to avoid shaving her… erm… head. But I digest. Moving along.

Essentially, we get the blame when our students:
• fail anything academically,
• under-perform in sports,
• decide to spend all day liming on the block – any block – take your pick, they can be found all over our great nation at any time during the day,
• find themselves splashed all over the internet in compromising (or just plain naked and pornographic) positions (both still and motion pictures),
• suffer from displays of public drunkenness, or any other public altered mental state,
• become premature parents, or
• just plain make a mess of things.

Now here’s my problem with us taking the blame for this. We receive these young people in an almost fully formed state. Their previous schools have shaped them, their parents/families have shaped them, their experiences have shaped them. How on god’s green earth do you expect us to re-shape them in two freaking years? The most we can hope to do is influence their academic behaviour. We don’t have time for much else.

I am a lecturer. This is what my job description says. My government-approved pay slip lists me as a LECTURER and not a teacher. What’s the point of this? Well… I lecture. Technically, my job is to walk into a classroom, spout my mouth off for 2:30 hrs, then leave. Discipline is not in my job description. Uniform violations are not in my job description. Policing the personal and sex lives of my students is not in my job description. When one of my students shows up in class with a baby bump, I congratulate her and then make sure that everything is ok at home. She is certainly old enough to know where babies come from, and she made a decision not to protect herself from this. Yes, I know there are sometimes extenuating circumstances, but I am generalizing for effect.

Of course, the reality is that I have to manage my classroom. For practical purposes, I am a teacher and not a lecturer. To lecture is to lose your students, so I rarely do it (and when I do, it is for short periods, followed by discussion and/or work). Even then, however, I am not in charge of the decisions that my almost-adult students make. I can try to guide, I can try to offer encouragement and advice. But I cannot, and should not, tell my students what they MUST do.

When I get my students they already believe certain things. If my students were taught that lying is an acceptable form of behaviour, then they will lie. If my students were taught that sex is a mercenary pastime, fun for all the family, then they will behave in a manner that reflects this. If my students observe their parents drinking, gambling, swearing, cheating on their spouses, deliberately absenting themselves from their families’ lives, wearing less clothing or more chunky jewelry than Li’l Kim and Fiddy Cent combined, going to church on Sunday morning while carousing on Sunday night, shirking responsibility, being impolite and downright piggish, or anything else, then they will accept this behaviour as the norm. As a result, they will see nothing wrong with behaving in that manner themselves.

The college does not create monsters. The college is not a place where sex demons and alcohol imps lurk around every corner waiting to waylay your unsuspecting, innocent child. Your children make decisions based on a decision-making process that YOU (and to a lesser degree their previous school) have taught them. If your daughter shows up in an e-mail, grinning from ear to ear while the rest of her is exposed for the world to see, then what role have YOU played in her moral upbringing? You may have told her that certain behaivour is unacceptable, but then has your own, observed behaviour borne out your admonitions?

At one notorious meeting, a parent (I assume) stood up and asked: “what is the college doing about girls in internet porn?” Ahmmmm… huh? Well, we were thinking of offering a course in cinematography or fine art film-making so that the quality of the porn would be up to scratch. Seriously. How the hell is that our problem? If you don’t want your daughters to be photographed or filmed while naked/involved in something sexual then teach them self-respect and let them know that sex does not equal love! Now sit down and don’t say anything again unless it’s sensible. I do not suffer fools very well.

Just as an aside, I want to say that the students who mess up are in the minority. The majority of students are “good kids” (and what’s that definition anyway?). Also, I wish we lived in a society that allowed people who mess up to redeem themselves. Unfortunately we don’t. We live in a society that points, laughs and judges, rather than forgiving, helping and moving on. Personally, I believe in forgiving and moving on. People mess up. This is called being human.

So all those people who have called in to the radio programmes, and who will be writing scathing articles in this week’s newspapers about the state of the college, based on the “joy cake” incident, please remember something very important. The SVGCC, DASGS does not organize or sanction graduation balls. We organize a ceremony, held during the day, usually between 9am and 12pm. Any other celebration is organized either by the students themselves, or some other 3rd party who has been contracted, by the students, to host a ball. It is not a college function. Consequently, there are no college-approved chaperones there. If you want chaperones, then why not enlist the help of these students’ parents and guardians?

In other words, please do not abdicate your parental responsibility to us. If you did not want your child to be at the ball without adult supervision, then you had one of two choices: either keep your child at home, or go to the ball yourself and supervise your child’s behaviour. If you chose to let your child go, and your child knowingly ingested a combination of marijuana and cocaine, then blame your child, and forgive him/her. Allow your child, who made an adult decision, to face the very adult consequences of that decision. Do not seek to place blame on anyone else. It would be misplaced blame. If, on the other hand, your child ate a piece of the “joy cake” in ignorance, then please do not point your finger at the college administration. This was not our fete. We had our graduation celebration earlier in the day, and the worst thing to come out of that was that we were all slightly bored (except for the singing).